THINKING ABOUT STUFF
When two girls share a moment and form an inside joke that is the happiest feeling in the world. Or like when you mention a youtube video to your friend and she hasn’t seen it and then you’re like “WAIT” and then you pull it up and you get to watch her react. Oh my god, I just love when something is so funny between girls that you literally scream and roll over onto the floor. These are honestly the moments that cause the most euphoric happiness for me. I have never been in love in my life, but I often imagine the feeling is ALMOST equivalent to the pure joy of creating an inside joke with your friend. I get so sad thinking about how girls are made to feel shame for feeling enthusiasm. Whenever people ask me my favorite “film” because I tell them I’m studying english and film I get super nervous. Like, I’ll be bartending and some boring old man will ask me about college and like idk what they expect me to say. My favorite movies are Josie and The Pussycats, The Princess Diaries, Sugar & Spice. I think my duty is life is make more movies/shows where girls are portrayed as big weirdos. Not a show exclusively for “weird girls!” Because the truth is every girl is weird and gross and silly and people need to know and celebrate that.
Also, today I’m feeling bad because I can’t muster up the stamina to write a 9 page paper due tomorrow. I used to hoard tote bags full of books every time I went to the library as a kid and now I feel super mediocre at college. I just feel like I’m living a lie sometimes. This isn’t like a self-deprecating statement, it’s a truth! I wonder how I got in to my school because I honestly am lazy and I only like learning in terms of listening to my teacher talk and being like “Whoa! Cool fact!” but at the end of the day I just want to go home and watch Vampire Diaries episodes that I’ve already seen and experiment with makeup and cook nutritious but flavorful meals. Everyone complains about us being the Google generation or whatever but I think there is something to be said for the value of going down a Wikipedia blackhole. I’m really good at retaining “useless” information about celebrity marriages and poisonous plants. I don’t think it’s useless though, I think it’s character study or something.
I was at the opening night of the One Direction movie, you know, 1D3D? I had the same sparkly fangirl backpack as a twelve-year-old in line, and I spent five minutes watching her watch me apply lipstick in my compact. On the brighter side, the feral intensity of that teen girl gaze is what I think can really weaponize narcissism, too. Like, sometimes I like to think about Tumblr, the ultimate zone of teen girl boredom and selfies as this giant mechanic assemblage with this languid temporal quality of waiting and scrolling and waiting and scrolling and how it’s this long moment that allows for a resistance to emerge and hold. But also I think about how Tumblr is just this processed excess of demand and desire, and it’s this very pressurized excess that literally flattens IRL persons like Harry Styles and Ryan Gosling into paper-thin templates. Almost like you can leach the life out of these characters, so instead there’s this vampiric community of sublimely narcissistic adolescent flesh, and I would be more than happy for the world to end with its knees buckling to this heterogeneous mass.
I AM SCREAMING
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